Was that a sign?

No blackberry messages on this post, I am on a computer typing this with my ten fingers instead of one or two on a tiny keyboard. I am also off work. Yes, after working 59 straight days, FMT's racing season is over, so now I'm back at ES whenever I decide to start working again (more or less). Monday morning, something happened, after I got off work I came home, Vx was already at warriors (he's active right now), I was reliving some aggravation w/Vx, then this thought popped into my head: if I was to die in my sleep, it would be good, I wouldn't have to live in pain, deal w/this constant aggravation, and I wouldn't be missed that much. I started crying histerically (panic attack?), thinking how that sounded good, and sent Vx the following text: "One more & I'll quit bugging you. If 4 some reason I don't wake up don't be upset. I'm not taking anything, idk where gun is, just know I'm better off. I love you" which freaked him out understandably. He called me and said he was coming home, called my mom and said he was worried about me, so she sit w/me and male bashed (she is the president of the she-women man haters club for a reason) til Vx got here, he offered to take me to the hospital (didn't see how that would help), out to lunch (wasn't hungry), I told him about that thought, how I'm tired of always being in pain whether physical or emotional, and some other things I was feeling. Telling him hasn't always helped in the past, but maybe this time I finally got through to him, I just hope I don't have to bring up suicidal thoughts to get anything done in the future, if so this will be a very painful marriage, or a short one. He layed w/me until I finally calmed down and dozed off. He said he was in a little trouble for leaving like he did but he wouldn't go into details and I got the impression it wasn't real serious. He took a personnal day today to help out a boss (family friend), and he may use some more before leaving for good (apparently he has some saved up days). Some of that freakout or whatever could have been related to my job, I worked 59 days straight, we fought right before he got on plane for AT, pretty much as soon as he got home, and haven't really stopped since. Some was also related to him being jerked around, mostly by salsa. He said there are people at warriors I can talk to, and he'll make sure I know everything before he goes. I don't have faith in that, but I'll somehow manage. I know of at least 2 Red Cross's near me, so if anything, I'll probably depend on them or I'll end up bugging some of the people that write the blogs I follow. There's also worries about a goal I've had, I've wanted to live on my own, originally before I got married, but knowing Vx would get deployed, waited to do so, and now it seems like a more real possibility, I had also wanted a better job, car, health, etc., but I don't see those occuring immediately.